Carlsberg!
by The Impostor
Summary: A Night Vale fan episode involving Steve Carlsberg hijacking the signal, make of that what you will... Rated T to be safe.


**A/N: This takes place before episode one, so Carlos has not yet appeared, Dana is still in Night Vale, and Strexcorp is a distant, and barely known threat, so Cecil is a bit different, and things are a bit less dangerous, but still dangerous nonetheless...**

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"The world is a vampire, sent to drain, secret destroyers hold you up to the flame, and I should really stop listening to Smashing Pumpkins while writing these intros. Welcome, to Night Vale!"

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"The City Council has officially allowed ghosts to marry, after a controversial, deadlocked, and at times, outright violent debate that surged on over the past four years, when questioned by the press, the city council flickered out of this dimension, and then reappeared, and stated that ghosts may marry, but not adopt, citing a slippery slope. Ghost couples from across the city are flocking to local churches, courthouses, and gas stations to make their love official. I attempted to contact one of the ghosts in the studio for comment, but was cut off abruptly by the screeching, howling, and other assorted ghost noises I must extrapolate to mean boundless joy.

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"This Just in listeners, the sheriff's secret police have just apprehended Steve Carlsberg for insubordination, specifically for implying that Mayor Pamela Windchell is unfit to perform her duties on account of her frequent episodes of dimensional traveling, and abusing her powers as mayor. As we all know, Steve Carlsberg is a vile, detestable man undeserving of the sympathy of any compassionate indivudal. So I say to the secret police: good on you, and I hope you re-educate him, and wish you luck in turning him into a respectable citizen of Night Vale-

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*BZZZZZZZT* (Voice is static-y) "Steve Carlsberg here, I got away from the police, and I hijacked the signal, with the equipment left over from my boy scout days, subversive radio host badge to be specific... Anyway, don't trust the city council, they keep infinitely more than you know from you, and most of their plans aren't as innocent as ghost marriage. They'll kill anyone in their way, and they lie to us, constantly; snow and mountains are real, we are real, we are powerful, fight the power!"

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"I'm not quite sure what happened, there, it seems the signal went down momentarily due to technical difficulties... In any event, here is a word from our sponsor:"

You lay on your bed, in a hospital, hooked up to several machines, most of which you don't care to understand. You are about to die. You hope for a life beyond. But you are skeptical, you feel the energy draining from you. You regret the things that you have done, and the things you have un-done. You fear you may never again experience the simple joy of lying in the meadow on a summer afternoon. You fear you may never again feel the beautiful love shared between you and your significant other. Most of all, you fear that you will never know how Breaking Bad ends... You see a light before you; is it the light of the afterlife, welcoming you into eternal bliss? Or is it merely a hallucination, brought on by wishful thinking... Taco Bell, Live Mas.

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"And now for traffic. Today's traffic is classified, due to the Sheriff's Secret Police being bored, and quote: 'just wanting to screw with us.' This has been traffic."

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*BZZZZZZT* (Voice is static-y) "Steve again, hiding out in Desert Bluffs. Everything they told you about our neighboring town doesn't do it justice. It's far, far worse, everything is covered in viscera, the citizens are all slaves, and they are too doped up on the ridiculous propaganda the town churns out to notice. The reason for this is clear: Desert Bluffs is ruled by an evil corporation called Strexcorp Synernists Inc. They seem to be equal parts company and cult, worshiping a so-called 'smiling god' I can only assume is known as Strex. As much as I despise the city council, the weak, ineffective government of Desert Bluffs that has allowed Strexcorp to rise to power is infinitely worse. I can only hope that they never reach beyond Desert Bluffs...

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"An update on the Carlsberg situation. Steve Carlsberg has escaped custody, and is believed to currently be away from Night Vale proper, due to security footage captured on the traffic cameras shortly after his escape, he is presumed dangerous, and anyone withholding information about his present whereabouts will be shot on sight."

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"Hey kids! Let's talk about the known universe for a moment. three trillion years ago, there were seven cool dudes, who were also seven lonely dudes. One day, they decided to create a ball, to have some fun with by playing catch. However, they were also magic dudes, so their ball started expanding beyond their control, and squished them; their magical viscera became the planets, and all their inhabitants, including Humans, Romulans, Dunmer, Dwemer, Cartoon Characters, and Elvenlegions. To this day, we humans as well as other species live in inferiority of these seven magic dudes, and eternal fear that their spirits may return to haunt us. This has been 'Children's fun fact science corner."

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*BZZZZZZT* (Voice is static-y) "Steve Carlsberg reporting in! I've barricaded my hideout, The Sheriff's Secret Police has found me, I don't have much time. Do whatever you can listeners. Fight the city council and their mayor stooge, and whatever you do, keep Strexcorp at bay! Before I go, let me show you the true, unadulterated... Weather"

(Cue weather: Blowin' up the Radio, by Racer X)

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"Well listeners, it seems that Steve Carlsberg, recently recaptured, has been hijacking my signal, a fact that station management has held from me, egregiously. I sent interns Dana and Gareth to ask them their reasons for doing so, but Dana returned to me with the sad news that Gareth was killed for quote 'knowing too much.' To the friends and family of intern Gareth: This is all the fault of one man: Carlsberg!"

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"And with that, I must go, but never fear, barring some horrifying accident leading to my untimely death or disfigurement, I'll be back tomorrow ready to read the news like I always do, hopefully without interruption from some unsavory individuals. Good night, Night Vale, good night. Stay tuned next for the odd sounds made by station management in their all-new program "RRRRRRR hhhhhhhh OOOOO aaaaaa"

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**A/N: Welcome to Night Vale is a production of Commonplace Books, and is written by Joseph Fink, and Jeffery Cranor. This is a fan made episode by The Impostor, amateur writer, on , The Impostor owns no part of this, please don't sue him. Today's weather was "Blowin' up the Radio", by Racer X; to learn more, visit , or /RacerXBand. Today's proverb: Whether you think you can or can't it doesn't matter, because you incompetent beyond help.**


End file.
